Nine out of eight voices in my head tell me I'm bad at maths...

...the 10th hums the melody of Tetris. This post won't be about my inability to do math tough, but more about the voices that I hear constantly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that insane, it's just the easiest way to describe what I mean. Basically it’s about your thoughts, but as they are a difficult concept to describe and understand I prefer to explain it a bit more differently.

Some examples of inner voices are languages. I once had a discussion with a friend of mine who is Finnish. We are communicating in English and given the fact that it's not our mother tongue I asked her how she thinks she is able to talk and write English, especially since grammar can be a bit tricky. We both agreed that we just know it's correct, without having to think about it. Actually right now as I'm writing that, I hear a "voice". I'm not thinking what I'll be writing in German first and then translate it, I form a sentence in English straight away. 

I'm not sure if you were able to actually follow that my thoughts where here, so I try another example. When you read something then your brain translates the letters into a sound in your head. You are able to understand what those signs mean because you learned to decipher them and because you know how they sound like you understand the meaning. At least that’s how I understand it, except if you are deaf, in which case I have no idea.

Of course that wasn't all. I also hear other voices, like my sarcastic voice. Basically that's the part of me that is responsible for me not taking things too seriously. Sometimes I just need to laugh at the comedy that is my life, or I need to tell myself that what is bugging me is just a so called "first world problem" in order to maintain a good mood, and it really helps. 

Oh and are you a person that has fake conversation in their head all the time too? Whenever I have a spare moment my mind just comes up with things I should tell a person when I see him/her next. Even worse is it when I remember a conversation I already had and suddenly there is this perfect answer that I didn't have when I needed it. 

Now those examples were all about useful things, but there is also my inner pessimist. That is the reason for me having nights where I can't sleep because I'm worried, it brings me down and makes me believe that I'll never achieve anything. Hearing this voice is not very funny, and the worst is that it's the sneakiest of them all. Before I realize what's going on I'm already very close to panicking, just because of my own thoughts.

I suppose those were the most important voices I know. I also made a video that is a bit related to that topic a few weeks ago, I'll post it further down. If you think that I'm crazy now then you missed the point (but you are still completely correct xD). That was it for this week.

Cheerio.

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optimizing update (Yes I'm making these a thing): I went jogging four times so far, it still kills me but you gotta do what you gotta do. Also I think I discovered my inner bootcamp voice, and she is a freaking kick ass.
I  bought myself a nice skirt which I'll hopefully be wearing at some point and I found a flat, (that I might be sharing with three guys if I'm not lucky enough that a girl gets the last free room). So everything is going well and I'm still working on my self a lot.

A hairy situation

I hate going to the hairdresser. When I was a little kid I refused to brush my hair so it always looked like a haystack. In order to prevent major knots in it, my mum forced me to either go to the hairdresser regularly, or let her brush it. I'm not sure if that's the reason, but to this day I don't really like people touching my head, and due to that I really dislike going to the hairdresser. Of course I don't wander around looking like a tramp. Like every decent human being I wash my hair, and I try to keep it tidy, but that was about it. I go to the hairdresser about every year, except last year when I went twice.

So why even bother talking about that? Well there are certain things I observed about hair. For example, whenever I actually go to the hairdresser, I decided to cut my hair rather short. Last year was special though. I wanted the hairdresser to cut my hair extra short because it meant something to me. Long hair is very feminine and girly, something I associate with well-being, whereas in my head short hair symbolizes strength, confidence and maybe a bit of 'I-don't-care-what-other-people-think' attitude. Yes, we live in modern times where one can wear their hair however they want, but still I had this in my head when I cut it short. After all, it helped me through a difficult time and reminded me that I only need to please myself, which I do.

There are a lot of women out there who care a lot about their long hair. They use a lot of products and are very proud of it. That's ok of course, and I would be shocked if some of my friends cut their hair, as they belong to that type of women. Another thing is men. I know that most of the guys I know prefer long haired girls. It's just something I seem to hear quite a lot. For me it was just another reason to become short haired, as I didn't want to feel dependant on a man's judging. At least that's what I tried to tell myself when my sub- consciousness proved me wrong.

I remember a dream I had about two weeks after I went to the hairdresser's. I was wearing very baggy clothes and as I said, was short haired, when a male friend of mine got up to me. I wanted to hug him as usually, but instead of hugging me, he punched me in the shoulder. After that he went on, poking me and hitting me and I just did not understand why he treated me like that. At some point I stepped away a bit and asked him what was wrong. He then told me that, if I wanted to be treated like a girl, then I should look like one too. I can't remember what happened next, but those words shocked me a lot. Why did I care so much about that deep down?

Another point where I realized how important it is to men is when I was at a friend's birthday party. At first there were many people but in the end just four people stayed for an all-nighter, namely her, her boyfriend, a male friend of them and me. At some point my friend's boyfriend said that he really liked long haired girls, and that for his taste mine was too short. He wasn't being rude, it's his opinion and taste, but it still kind of got to me, especially because I then thought back to that dream, and many conversations I had with my male friends about that topic. Of course I don't need to please my friend's boyfriend, but hearing that you don't look good from a guy is... well it isn't good for my pride.

Last but not least, even though it seems like I need to correct myself, meaning I do care what my hair looks like, I still can't stop myself from trying out new styles and colours, ignoring the fact that men might not like it. I am a redhead now, slightly purple in it, with a self cut fringe that is a bit crooked. To be honest the colour looks odd but I love it. Sadly guy feedback these days is rare, except for my father who told me it was ugly and a friend who once said that he disliked red hair. Oh well, I might one day find a guy who just accepts my hair choices anyway, or I'll die forever alone, whatever :P

Cheerio