My best friend, the green eyed monster

I try to be positive, but I do always find the fault in things, especially in my own life. Maybe I'm not the person to be content with it. I am very jealous, I've always have been. To keep it simple, I'm afraid to be disappointed with what I achieve and my fear manifests itself in jealousy. 

I remember back in school when I was friends with this one girl, I was told by a teacher what jealousy meant. I've always wanted to be part of people’s life, and that is a good thing I guess, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. At some point I remember getting angry at her because she preferred hanging out with another girl, not me. Of course I have changed since then, I understand that she wasn't offending me and all, but back then I could not understand why I felt sad when she didn't want to spend that afternoon with me, yet it was just this now well known emotion.

I'm happy when my friends are happy; I want and need them to be so. Jealousy or envy means that I want to have what another person has, meaning that the other person has that special somewhat. Today I found out again how dirty it feels. I bumped into a friend while I was in town. She told me about her new job, how she was earning a lot for the little time she did work and how all was good. She deserves to make a good living, as she will be attending Uni next year just like me, I don't grudge her that success, at least I don't want to, but inside I did.

I instantly started comparing what she was doing with what I will be doing in two weeks. I will work half a day more than her, per week. She earns a lot, more than anyone I know (when you count per hour). Don't get me wrong, I'm more than relieved to have found a job, but why do I feel like I always get less in the end? I'm going to be cleaning in a hospital for the next five months whereas she works in a shiny office, and as a second occupation looks after a little boy. Yes, I am more than definitely jealous, and that makes me angry with myself.

There are always people who have it better, always people who have it worse. I just can't get over the whole comparing-people thing. I want more for myself, and eventually I might get there, but right now I'm just annoyed how close-mined I happen to be. Right now, I live with jealousy, but it's my goal to get rid of it, step by step, until it is reduced to an absolute minimum. I will just have to fight my own thoughts.

Cheerio