Let's talk about love: third episode

We made it to the final instalment of this series, as today is actually valentine’s day. As I said before, even if I was in a relationship right now I would not actually be doing anything else today as I’m doing anyway. I was reminded by a friend yesterday that this day was mostly pushed by the industries in order to make more money. I know that and obviously you should celebrate love every day, not just once a year. I hope we’re clear now? Well then, off to today’s topic

We had flirting, we had dating, and the most obvious conclusion for this trio would be talking about relationships. My problem with that is the fact that I have zero personal experience with that. To top I think I could even admit that the past few month I’ve even been a very happy single. I don’t see the point in fixing myself on one person at this stage of my life. I’m free, I have two regular jobs, live at two places, have different circles of friends and all in all, there are not much boundaries that I have left. If I had a boyfriend then I would have to take time for him. I usually try to keep up with my friends, but being in a relationship means being exclusive, having some obligations. Plus I doubt that I have met the right guy yet.

Apart from lacking the urge to tie myself to some random dude I’m still secretly an expert with relationships. That’s something that is actually quite common, people with low experience but with somewhat of a natural understanding giving relationship advice to others. Don’t ask me why. Most of my knowledge is out of reading way too many books. You get a lot of love stories in almost every book, huge varieties of situations, different couples. Also it helps to talk with people, older ones, younger ones, people who have had a relationship that failed, people who go strong for a while... It’s not that hard to figure some points out.

The first real I was thought about guys by my parents was: never start a relationship if you could not imagine marring that person in the long run. Keep everything in perspective. I’m totally against too much pressure, especially in the beginning as this phase should be enjoyed by the couple; on the other hand it’s crucial to be aware where exactly you stand. There was enough insecurity when both people had not yet confessed their feelings. After all, to be genuinely open is very important. It’s not about picking a fight every time your significant other makes a little move that annoys you, but if you’re constantly unhappy, if it’s something that bothers you every time it happens then it’s probably best to just speak it out as soon as possible.

The third point is that while it is important for you to spend time together, you also should not forget about your friends. It’s very likely that forgetting the first will not happen so easily, I have seen enough people who happen to lose every little bit of focus as soon as their “other half” walks in. What I’ve seen and heared about a lot though is that people forget to find room in their agenda for people who are not that one person. Of course enjoy the pink bubble your in, but if everything falls apart, which has happened before and will happen again, then you need to be sure to have people that pick you up from the ground. I have lost a dear friend to a guy who forbid her to meet me and her other close friends, due to a misunderstanding. Even when I apologizes, ceveral times, he ignored it. That was the moment when I promised myself never to let that happen to me and about three girls around me have the official allowance to slap me if I forget about that ;)

Finally the forth advice: Enjoy it. There is a saying that goes; love as if you’ve never been hurt. I think when most of us grow up we lose our hearts once or twice, maybe more. As far as I know that does not end well in many cases. It’s ok to get ones heart broken, but you should never allow yourself to break too. Don’t get cold heated, it would be a loss to the world.

I think, unlike the “holiday” that tries to celebrate it generally, that love is great. Celebrate it every day, find a date that is special to just the two of you instead of focusing on the world and what you have to do after what society says. Love is unique and not to be put in a box of chocolate!

I hope you have a lovely day, embrace singlehood or celebrate your partner, it’s probably where you are supposed to be right now.

Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: seconde episode

Hello there, are you up for a next topic? Today I thought that it would be a good day for some dating. Now I hope I made it clear to you that flirting does not mean you are actually that much into someone else, whilst if you actually start dating someone, well then you better be. Flirting may lead to a relationship, but it doesn’t have to, it is as much of an activity for a happy single as it is for someone who doesn’t want to be alone anymore.  As soon as you have caught a real interest in a person, things might change though, as you actually want to catch the other person’s interest too. Instead of just seeing it as fun you might change strategy. You try to figure out as much as possible about the other person and well, you kind of become more concrete. Things become kind of serious, which can be either bad or good.

First of all, what to do when you have a crush on someone? I’m a coward at heart, that’s why I think it’s up to the guy to make the first move. On the other hand I imagine it to be quite hard to open up towards someone out of the blue, so we girls should try our best to encourage the guy, granted that it’s what we want. There is where for me some problems come up. I wouldn’t know how to show interested without giving away too much. When it comes to love I’m rather introverted. When I’m usually open and easy going I totally shut down when I have feelings for someone. The word “normal” does not exist in such situations. I cannot even look at that guy at first because I fear my face will give away everything. Usually I speak my mind but I’m so terribly scared of rejection that when my feelings are fresh I have inner battles how to act around “him”. And even if I wasn’t that shy, when you are comfortable around guys how do you avoid just being seen as a friend, how to stand out? I have no clue.

One of the guys I know heavily promotes the theory that girls can show interested by subtle touches. Body contact is the solution for him. The problem with that one is that I touch other people quite a lot (yay for sounding like a strange person). I mean have you ever ironically patted someone’s shoulder when they’ve complained about something irrelevant? Did you ever hit someone when they did a stupid joke? Have you ever messed up someone’s hair for messing up your friend’s? Ever had a play fight, got thrown into snow or any kind of water? There are a lot of chances to touch someone and not meaning anything with it, so how should a guy know when you are just acting as friends do and when you mean more than that?

Trust me I will not stop the way I act just because some guy has his theory. I will not constantly control myself and over think things from now on. It took me enough time to comfortable around guys, so I’ll remain like that. Of course my friends agreed that it was not the best solution, that’s where another friend comes in. He just shrugged and said: “You might also just ask her if she wants to grab a drink with you”. Hell yes. I mean of course, I would be terribly nervous to get a drink with a male individual. I figured recently that even with one of my closest male friends, I might text them a lot but I rarely ever hang out with just him alone. We went playing billiard recently and even though I know that he is not into me (we talked about that one, TWICE), and I’m not into him, for a moment it felt oh so awkward. That’s life I guess. On the other hand just going into a bar or even a café means that you get to spent time with that person, in which you can discuss certain things in person and also it does not necessarily mean anything because you could also do that just as friends. It’s somewhat nonchalant in my opinion.

Also there is this nice thing with not seeing the obvious. I have experienced both sides, once a guy I showed actual interest in did not notice it. We actually had a conversation about that month later and he had no idea that I had a crush on him for more than two years, even though I fought all my fears down and told him stuff like he is handsome. He didn’t suspect anything. On the other hand I usually see when a couple around me is about to get together. Usually I think it’s very obvious. When a guy does show the slightest bit of affection towards me? I’m totally blind. Ok it only happened once, but after telling a friend who saw us together, she just laughed and said she was suspecting something when I was caught by surprise. Maybe it’s a sign of low self-esteem that people might not see those signs, even when everybody around them does.

Now that’s kind of what dating is to me. It’s the middle stage, after flirting, before relationship. It’s an inbetweener, a link. Again, definitions are not exactly my strength as I tend to just use a word in a specific context. As you might or might not see, I actually do not have that much experience in successfully start a relationship, but I’ve had enough crushes in my life to have at least some rough ideas, trust me on that. See you soon!

Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: first episode

I kind of wanted to write a post about dating, guys and lovey dovey stuff in general for a while now and I thought now was the perfect time as we are approaching valentine’s day. Now don’t get me wrong, in my opinion this day means nothing, except that it will be the third year in a row that I’ll use it as an opportunity to bake something with one of my best friends. Instead f writing one gigantic post this will be the start of a short series containing three parts, all of which will be uploaded this week. That might hopefully lead to me being more active of a blogger once more.

The first topic I want to tackle today is flirting. Now I really think that the amount of flirting in my life was very limited until the last couple of months. It took me long enough to be able to normally talk to guys so I do not wonder why it went slowly with that form of communication. Before I actually dig into it, first I want to state some things. What is and is not considered flirting is something that could lead to an enduring philosophical discussion. I leave it up to yourself to decide what it actually means for you. I know that I’m a person who does consider things to be flirty after just a little, but I also go very easy on it and do not take it seriously. It consists of a lot of teasing with a twist, but what that means is once again hard to pinpoint. My best advice is to be fluent in sarcasm and irony for this task, but it’s not necessary by any means.

You send out some signals, non-verbally and verbally but depending on what kind of person you are it means more or less. I don’t think that it’s easy for anyone to figure out when I’m really interested and when I’m just messing around a bit, whilst with other people it’s more than obvious what their intentions are because they are usually less out there. Most of the time it’s the easiest way for me to communicate with male specimen in general so you’ll most probably see me do it.

Women can be easily lulled into something by a man who knows his words. I catch me every once in a while that I talk to a guy who actually just pushes the right buttons and thus makes me at least the tiniest bit interested. When I was younger that was the source of some problems as I did not understand how much of a game flirting is. It’s like a dance, you approach and get apart, you attract and repel. As in every game there is also the possibility of a loser. That happens when one participant, and I mean only one, forgets about the game aspect and well, falls in love. Been there, done that, it’s not fun. When both feel the same, then congratulation, you got to the next level, relationship.

The perks of flirting are huge. If you do it right you can bring a guy to talk about a lot of things, it helps you get to know them. As I said it involves a lot of teasing and that makes it easier for people to engage in a conversation as you give them room to defend themselves. Also it’s exciting and fun. Depending on the guy I have on the opposite of me, my heart races a little and I enjoy my days a lot more ;)

The best thing is when you actually get something back. I said I don’t take those kind of things seriously anymore, at least not that much, and that is kind of the clue to successful flirting. You want payback for anything, you are not talking to a wall. When I used to focus so much about what the other person might think of me I appeared to be so stiff and insecure that it couldn’t have been fun to have a conversation with me. At some point it stopped luckily, I was way more open and well, I genuinely decided that I liked that bit of tension that you can cause between two people. It’s kind of mean but as easier it is for you to dally a bit, the more chances you’ll get to do it. Men seem to sense it, they see how comfortable you are and they react to it, that’s why I think I have flirted more the last couple of days. It was mostly just responding to whatever kind of attention I got from the opposite gender.

So let me conclude swiftly: Flirting, to me, means talking, chatting, teasing or whatever with a person you might or might not be attracted to. It is not to be confused with having real intentions; neither do you want to hurt the other person. It’s all about playing a game and having fun, no harm intended. It is supposed to be uncomplicated and with no strings attached, at least that’s how I see it. I hope you can enjoy the one or the other good flirt in the future, you never know where it actually gets you in the end. Finally the definitions and executions of it differ from person to person.

Stay tuned for the second part of this little series

Cheerio.

Liberate yourself

There is this episode of the TV series "How I met your mother" in which they say that every person has their own baggage to carry. They take that quite literally with displaying heavy bags that with one person even piled up. That episode stood out to me especially (apart from me being a series junky of course) as I'm very familiar with that metaphor as I had a best friend who considered himself a carrier. We used that word between us to describe how people would always come to him and ask for advice, thus leaving whatever they had on their shoulders on his. As of recently I've had that topic back in my mind due to the things that were happen around me.

It kind of started with a conversation at a bar. I wish the story was as cool at it begins (bars do still sound cool to me, ok?), but it was not that special after all. Two friends and I went to a bar and talked for more than two hours. When at first we just chatted, at some point it became deeper. We started talking about how former experience changed the person we are now and that due to what happened in the past we act different in the present. At some point one of them said how it affected them specific. I never saw that person in that light even though I was familiar with their story. I did not think that the whole situation had such a deep impact on them. Finally my personal conclusion from this conversation was that some baggage is good, keeps us to the ground and reminds us of who we are supposed to be, whereas others ties us back when all we are supposed to do is rise up and leave it behind, forever. 

That's easier said than done. I mean I have tried various times to get over some issues that I've been aware of for a while now and about every blue moon they come up again, triggered by the most random things. It happened again last Friday. Again, a late night, good conversations with dear friends. Eventually one of my friends started to talk about a personality test he took that sorts you into one out of nine categories. We did not actually take a test; we just read some aspect of each type and thus decided who were thought we were. When I read the full description of what I figured was mine I was actually close to tears. Actually I was very much in shock. There were things described that I've never actually realized this way before. I got home that night and I was so confused and emotionally touched it left me with little sleep only.

One of the things that I realized was that as a person who has a ridiculously good memory is that I do not only hold on to the nice ones. I try to forgive quickly and most of the times it works but you know... Sometimes I fail. So this week I found myself buried deep down in confusion, thoughts, and well, sadness. In addition to being emotional anyway I also had the pleasure to give my beloved cat to an animal centre. It sucked and all that and well, added up to my momentarily malaise. Nothing huge, just a reason to eat a lot of chocolate, watch pride & prejudice and after that, finally getting back to being functional again.

Today I got up at half past six, cleaned my whole room and got rid of some things. I can me somewhat of a stockpiler and well, sometimes you need to draw the line in order to feel free of what should be left behind. No point of keeping everything that has the tiniest emotional value to you, measure what you really want to keep, cut out the rest completely, once and for all. Well at least I needed to do that. Getting rid of the cat tree was necessary for me, as was throwing away a very certain pen, some written pages and a tiny scrap. Nope, they were not connected, but all of those things I knew I couldn't keep around anymore if I wanted to finish those things up. During that process I felt it, like a weight lift.

I'm not sure if this concluded the way I wanted it too, but I kind of had to write about it here. Be aware of your past, but don't clamp to it and believe that you cannot do something just because of what happened previously. Find the right balance I guess.

Cheerio.