Sometimes I feel like I
only post here to make myself feel a tad less insecure about myself and to
confirm that I'm not an awful human being. That's why I want to talk about a
huge part about my personality, meaning the fact that I like to say things
straight to people.
So at first I wanted to be
honest with people because in the bible it says, you should not lie. But I'm
not the person to just listen to such a rule; I could never make it without a
good reason. When time passed I found several reasonable ones.
Firstly, I really want my
friends to know me for who I am, for example they need to know how much I love
them, that's why I love to tell them, like to hug them and to complement them.
I appreciate those people so much and I'm grateful to have them, that's as easy
as it gets. On the other hand I want them to just know me, for me to be real,
so sometimes I show too much I guess.
Secondly, I'm not the
person to keep stuff down. When I had a crush on my best friend and I couldn't
tell him, it was terrible for me. I used to get sick whenever he told me
something about a girl he liked because I couldn't handle it, but on the mean
time I had to be the cheering, bubbly best friend. That was so hard and
sometimes I really wanted to hit the wall with my head, or even better, I got
sick from hiding it. Yes I've spent several month having the urge to puke every
time I even thought about being in any non-friendship relationship with that guy, just because he hurt me so much and I had to keep that all down. So
now I have to confirm I've never been so relieved about telling someone
something, as I was when I confessed to him that I used to have feelings for him (even
though by that time I was completely over him, I still really needed to tell
him.)
Thirdly, my father had a
problem with someone once. About two years before I was born, my father
was at a camp and somebody did something and he was not pleased about it. But
instead of going to that woman and tell her "uhm sorry, but I'm mad at you
because what you did was stupid" and her being mad afterwards too and them
both knowing what was going on and finally, getting over it, he sucked it up. He
never talked to that person again, and it's been twenty years. As it was a
church camp it ended in him, a) losing his faith and b) starting to drink
heavily. Maybe you can see why saying this out loud is so important to me.
I really wish I could say
that I only tell good things, or that at least I know how to say negative
things the best, but most of the time I have no freaking idea how to say it
properly. Usually it's just me being awkward, telling weird stuff and making a
fool out of myself while creating a conflict where there wasn't one before.
It's not always good, it's hard a lot of times, but I prefer being an open
book. It makes it easier for me to survive knowing that I have friends who
accept me with every flaw I have, that there is no need to hide my true color,
as the song says.
To end this I really think
that in a world where a lot of things are shallow, a little bit of truth adds
zest to life, doesn't it?
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