Too much left to live for?

Ok, the title is drastic, but it is as it is, I won't lie.

My life isn't perfect; it's pretty far from that actually. To be honest, I just don't appreciate my life and what I've been given. I know my talents, but I am simply not the best version of me that I could be.

So lately I've had a lot of spare time, as I am looking for a job. As I realized, a job, even if it's being a student, pretty much defines you. So it sometimes feels like not having an identity. Time went by and I didn't find anything, which made me really frustrated. It seemed to be that everyone was able to go on after high school, except me who is just sitting around and being lazy. I know that I tend to over think stuff and I need quite a while to really start acting. In addition to that I have to admit that I'm not the most optimistic person on this earth. I've had negative thoughts forever, which eventually turned into sentences like "why can't I just die, it would be so much easier". Sometimes I even wished to give up my life for somebody who has a disease, even if that's not possible. I am sure such a person would use the time given on earth as it should be used, unlike me.

I know those thoughts are bad and I shouldn't have them. But that's exactly the point. So this lovely voice inside my head kept getting louder and louder, and I felt so weak and not able to fight it. I'm not a determined person; I give in more often than I am stubborn. So when life is treating me as it is lately, I want to take the easy way out, the wish for it to be over fills my existence.

Why do I write that, and why am I still here then? That's really melodramatic, isn't it? To be honest, I realized just lately how much I have. Friends, Family, Faith... That in comparison to what I don't have, namely a job and money, it's huge

That was shown to me this Saturday. Every Friday there is a youth group at my church, and usually you can find me there. Not that day because I met some friends in the city as one of us left for Australia on Sunday. I had a good time with my non-church friends. But the following day I got a text message and a Facebook message from two friends, both asking me where I was and telling me they missed me!!

As a person who constantly feels invisible it was quite a surprise that people acknowledge my absence when I'm not there ONCE!! It made me realize that I matter. There was a quote in a movie I've seen lately: Sometimes you feel like a drop of water. But then you need to remember that the ocean is only a lot of drops too.

I guess we all need to see what we are worth sometimes. It is important to know what you are living for and what keeps you going when you feel useless. And we all need to keep saying to each other how much the other person means, if we don't, that other person might forget about their worth.