So again this is an outcome
of recent events. Two friends of mine announced their relationship a couple of
days ago. For me it was obvious for a while that this was meant to be, so it
didn't come as a surprise. I'm happy for them and to be honest, they are so
cute together. Still, seeing them brought new life into the thoughts that were
kind of haunting me lately. Ok, it's not like I have the option of a
relationship right now (at least not that I knew :P)
We have a lot of couples at
the moment at my church and when I see them together, I think about the
relationship I might once have. The problem is I'm not even sure I want to have
a relationship anytime soon. I'm a sucker for romance and have been that since I
can remember, but that led to me being hurt sometimes. It was hard to overcome
two heartbreaks, but last year I draw the final line to them. Seriously, both
needed over two years, and I didn't even get together with one of those boys. I
got my heart broken by my best friend and two month after that a guy had a
crush on me and I had to say no. I can't remember what was bugging me more,
both were bad.
So maybe I'm not meant to
be with a guy, maybe I'm better off on my own, where no one can hurt me and I
won’t hurt people. That thought hit me when I was at a camp and we had to fill
in a questionary to find out what our calling was. In the biblical sense, to be
unmarried in order to focus full time on god is a calling too, so one question
was: 'Can you imagine not ever getting married'. I ticked yes while most of my
friends could say that they definitely wouldn’t want to do that.
There are more reason why I
ask myself, like I'm not that cuddly. The new couple I mentioned at the beginning?
Neither one of them was very 'touchy' before they got together, but they
couldn't be separated on Sunday. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd enjoy that from my
boyfriend. On the other side I do love hugs, but I don't like to be touched the
whole time, not at all. I fear that I can't trust anyone enough to be that
close to me, that my personality is not made to be with another human being for
the rest of his or my life.
Relationships for me lead
to marriage. That is what I've been brought up to and I'm fine with that. I
don't say everybody should do it like this, but it gives me at least a little
security to know that things are serious and both partners are aware of that.
The problem is, a lot of time marriage leads to having children, and I'd be
scared to death of going through with that. Kids are cute, yes, but they are a
lot of work, are a huge reasonability, and giving birth is terribly painful. So
to be honest I'm not sure I ever want to have children and my boyfriend,
husband, whatever should kind of understand that, or he will be terribly
disappointed in me.
Another reason why I'm
happy to be single right now is because I'll be studying in another town
starting this September. I don't want to chain myself to somebody around here
because I don't yet know about coming home at weekends. On the other hand
having someone not from my city would mean even less time spent with my friends
here.
And did you ever think
about the problem you get when you find your future husband now? I mean you'd
literally glue yourself to a person for the next 60-70 years, at least when you
a) life that long and b) have a fairly stable relationship. I can't imagine
that.
All in all, I'm glad not
being in the situation to choose right now. I'd rather wait till my life is a
bit more in control and not that chaotic anymore. I don't say I can't have a
boyfriend because I'm weird and stuff, luckily there's someone for everyone,
but I fear more that I won't get the happiest I can be, maybe I'd be happier
forever alone. That doesn't mean I don't fancy no one, in fact I do. I just don't see me with someone at all. So for now, let's tick maybe.
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