My internet self

It seems that lately I really started to find out who I am, and that means that I can now tell that my real world self and the person I am on the internet seem to differ a little.

For example, using nicknames provides me with the opportunity to say things, to confess stuff that I wouldn't do in front of people who know me, sometimes not even in front of my best friends. A good example for this is my previous post. They know I'm going through a rough time, but only one girl knows that I want to be death (but she knows that I wouldn't do anything to myself). She wanted to have this URL, but I can't give it to here, it would feel too much of two worlds colliding in a form that I don't want them to.

It's easier to be honest when you are wearing some kind of disguise, when you can tell people what's in your mind, without letting them into your life. I don't consider myself as a person who lives on the internet, even though I spend quite a lot of time around here. I have more real life friends, and deeper relationships with them than I have internet friends (I don't say it's impossible to have close friends on the internet, I just don't really feel like having them), but as soon as I'm really in trouble and need advice and help, I turn to the internet, where I feel supported and nobody can come back at me afterwards.

The place where I have my trusted online people is the NaNoWriMo site, in the teens section of the forums a group called the purple elephants. I feel really at home there and I'm accepted. When I, or somebody I know, need prayers and good thoughts, I know that people from all over the world, but mostly Americans, will take care of that. There is always somebody with an open ear. But when I feel like they get too close, or I don't feel like talking to them, I can close the tab and the only thing they can do is write me an intern pm, which makes it easy for me to be myself there.

I also thought about my identity online, meaning the names I use. Except for my Facebook page and two e-mail addresses, I keep my real name out of the internet. As a person who has an uncommon first name, I'd be afraid of telling it to anybody, so I go by Alice. Alice is not the same person as I am; she is a part of my personality. She is more open as I am, but she also expresses her low self-esteem. She has a strong mind and defends it, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone. That is part of me, but in the real world I can be very different from that.

Another name is started using nowadays is Akikinova. A boy once couldn't remember my name so I told him to nickname me and he came up with Akiki. Since then I used it as a disguise, since I don't have a lot of contact with him and nobody else knows that name. I added a Russian sounding ending to that, because Akiki is usually already taken. I love having an internet name that still is available everywhere. It gives me the opportunity to represent myself on sites like twitter, blogspot and maybe even tumblr through a constant name. I feel like I can develop who I am on the internet more easily like this, not having to switch between names.

I'm glad that I have the opportunity to share my stuff online, to be open without fearing to expose myself. It's not about who reads it, it's more about being honest without all the pressure your peers can give you. So thanks blog for listening to me, you are great :D