How to become a fighter

I've been away for the last ten days and spend an amazing time with great people. I wanted this post to be about my experiences on that trip but instead I've decided to postpone that one for next week. I'll still be touching something that happened while I wasn't at home.

I guess I've mentioned it quite often that I'm not a very dedicated person. I try, and if I don't succeed I just do what I can and then might as well give up. Usually I don't do my very best but just the amount that is necessary to still pass whatever task I'm doing. School is a good example there. When you write your finals you should probably study a lot and set your goals the highest you can. Instead of doing that I wanted to achieve an average level and other than working for school I watched series. My grades in the end were ok, you know, but it could've been better if I just worked harder.

 The thing is, as soon you’re out of it school gets unimportant. Not a lot of people care about the grades you had when you apply to a job, at least not around here. I struggled finding a job so much, not because my grades weren't that good but because I wasn't dedicated enough. I just wrote application after application, but what I should’ve done was phoning companies or apply directly by going there and presenting myself. You have to be though around this world nowadays, open and ambitious. That's exactly my problem.

That's why I'm so proud of this blog. My posts may not be the best ones, but I work rather hard for them, do a lot of thinking before writing and I update it on a regular basis. I could be better, but I know that I still have quite the distance to travel until I reach what I want with this site and with my writing in general so it’s a good field to practise in. 

Obviously I was still not happy with the rest of my situation, so what changed my point of view? Why did I suddenly decide that what I've been doing so far was not good enough? Well first of all I have goals that I want to achieve and all of them are things that are not the easiest for me. I always knew that I would get there eventually, but did not care that much how or more important when. 

The thing is I don't have time anymore to linger around. I see people achieving their goals at a young age and within me there is the urge to get there too. People plan big things and i feel like I do nothing at all which is not very satisfactory. Plus I don't have the energy left to be tossed around by life like a leave in a stormy river. 

My parents have already separated and that one was hard. After a year I felt quite ok with the whole situation, knowing my father wanted to keep the flat so I'd still have a home here in this town. While I was away my mum went to a lawyer because there where financial problems between my parents not yet resolved. They are now getting divorced and my father probably sells our flat. That combined with the fact that the whole Uni thing scares me so much deep down made it obvious that I needed to get stronger.

While I was away I learned a lot about myself and where my life is heading. I know more of what I want with all of my heart. I'll make sure to tell you more about that, but all you need to know for now is that one day I felt all my fears built up into this massive wall. That had already happened before, but this time I was fed up. Not for the first but hopefully for the last time I've decided that it was enough, that the little girl who is afraid of everything needs to grow up. 

Life is not fair. Not to me, not to anyone else. We have to seize the good moments and get through the bad ones. I've decided, and declare it in front of the internet, that from now on I want to be a fighter. If there is a wall ahead of me, I'll just run past it, head first. Anyone trying to stop me from achieving my goals shall be kicked in the butt. I'm putting on my armour, ready to fight. Trust me, I have a whole army behind me, of that I'm sure. 

That is not me resigning from ever moaning again. I'll still be hurt sometimes, still be complaining from time to time. I just refuse to let that stop me from becoming who I want to be. I prefer dying in a battle instead of hiding under my blankets for the rest of my life. I don't want to survive life, I want to live it. You might not see any difference, but I hope I'll feel one deep inside. Let's conquer the world with kind hearts.

Cheerio.

Reflective in perspective

Imagine. You just moved house and you walk down the street in front of your new place. There are some houses that you get past during your little exploration. You see a swing set in the yard of one house. You think to yourself that there might be a family with kids living there. As you walk on an elderly couple crosses your path and you smile at them politely. But be careful, there is a women approaching fast. Her dog is pulling her forwards. Finally you arrive at the end of the street, where you see an old mansion that has already started to look a little rotten. Whilst you followed the main street, you missed taking one of the small pavements leaving to big apartment houses a little farther away. You see them from a distance, but you can't imagine how many turns the street might take until you get there.

Now back to today. Five years later you call this place your home. You know that the swing set belongs to the gay couple living there. They've just never took the time to get rid of it. The women that basically ran towards you, is blind. Her dog is supposed to help her, but back than it was very young and not yet as well trained as it is today. Sadly the elderly couple doesn't excist in this form anymore. He died two years ago and she is now in a nursing home. You really liked them because they always seemed so happy, even after being married for nearly fifty years. Sometimes they've told you stories from their life and you sat on their porch for hours in a row. The old mansion once was a place were homeless could find a save place for the night, but they run out of money and had to give it up. Three years ago the government destroyed it and now they are planning more apartment houses. Finally the houses you saw from afar? Your best friend lives there. You walk the streets nearly every day and you could almost walk it blind. It's like a second home for you that you got to love over the time.

So of course all of these things where imaginative, but I wanted to get across a point. It's okay to make assumptions over something, but be open to let them go. Try to remember a place or a person before you really knew them, when they were still exciting and new. Think of the shell you saw, not the things that lie behind. We live in a world where we judge things by only seeing. If we stick around though we forget what we saw and start to see with our hearts. I think both are important. Sometimes it is important to take a step back and look at what was our original thought, what inspired us. Don't give up on something just because it hasn't lived up to your expectations. If it isn't worthwhile, try to make it. Maybe all you need is another point of view. Don't judge a book by its cover, but never lose track of the whole picture either. Just remember to remember.

So now I'm off for some adventures. See you in about two weeks or so :D

Cheerio.

Take your time to be lazy

So I work half time. I know that it's not to be compared to working full time. I have quite a few people around me who have told me that there is no reason for me to be tired, that they were doing more, and so on. I get that. Still, I get tired too, as my job can be quite stressful.

I'm cleaning at a hospital. There are three things which are essential: we have to be quick, we have to be nice and we have to be very clean. On special days, I'd say about every Monday to Sunday, we have to be even quicker, nicer and cleaner. It is hard work. After working four hours I usually get home and collapse on my sofa, not able to move for the next hour or so. But yeah, you know, only working half-time here. (I have the most respect for people who can keep that up full time for years and years)

When I started working at the hospital I thought I wouldn't make it long there. After a while it went better, but now I'm really much looking forward to an end soon. I've realized that I practically worked since four month, most of the times five days a week, sometimes on the weekends. Apart from that I started to engage myself at my youth group, I kept up with friends, my writing, found a flat, applied to Uni and went through various fights with my parents. I don't say I have it harder than others, but the sum of all the things that have been going on in my life is pretty heavy for me. 

And you know what? I don't see it getting any less stressful the coming months with moving out, starting Uni and various other things. Even though I did not realize it at first, there were signs of exhaustion going on with me. I stopped writing my diary, even though I wanted to, instead I went to bed. I had to quit appointments with friends because my calendar was overfilled. In general, I had to organize and plan way more things instead of just being able to confirm them. It was all getting over my head. I was tired all the time, even though I had reasonable sleeping hours.

When I look back, I did not remember having much time to idle since mid-march. Of course I had small time bubbles, but they were very very limited. This week was different though. I exchanged shifts with a person that works with me. She did both our half-time shifts on Monday to Wednesday this week, and I'll be doing the same next week. That left me with a five day weekend this week. I really felt like I was having holidays.

So what productive things did I do these past few days? Not many. Three days were spent not leaving my pyjamas, playing Assassin’s Creed in my brother’s room like the addicted person I am right now. That was the best, seriously. I did not have any reason to feel guilty about how I spent my day, I did not have any better plans anyway, for the first time in a while. On Sunday of course I went to church and spent the afternoon with my friends by the river. The last day I was with one of my best friend who just got back from England. We tried to escape the heat wave by stand in the entrance of shops, as the air conditioning is very pleasant there. We also went shopping of course. This happened spontaneously also, due to me having spare time.

Now I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow, I'd prefer having some more free time. Also I don't look forward to work my butt off on the start of next week. But at least I feel a little relaxed again. I think that, even though it sounds stupid, I really need to make time again for those things. Time to do nothing. I used to have that a lot. Someday I might explain to you how I used to design my free time until now. But for today, I’d say it’s time that I go to bed again. 

Cheerio.

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Life updates are cancelled due to me having neither time nor energy to go jogging. I also didn't do any other mayor things about myself lately. My sleepiness is ruining everything right now ;)

Taking a stroll down memory lane

The past few weeks have been rather stressful and I haven't been in the mood to write a post at all. I still had ideas, but the words wouldn't come. Even though it's getting late again I decided that today was a good day to return to duty. 
Usually I like to prepare for these posts, I don't write about things that happened just hours ago, but today seems to be different anyway. Here is the back-story.

I'm moving out in less than two months and as I'll be living in a place where there are only people still in education allowed, I needed to find a piece of paper I received months ago, as a prove that I'll be attending Uni. I looked everywhere without finding it. What I found though where things I decided to keep during the years, old writings of mine, school papers and cards, letters, diaries... just memories in general. So I love having reminiscent moments a lot, therefore it's nothing new to me that I kept all of these things. The difference today was though that I decided to look into the past of another person instead of mine.

I think I have already told you about my father. He can be very hard to have around, and lately he wasn't exactly what I call easy. Of course I do love him, but that's not enough sometimes. But I have people around me who knew my father before me and my brother were born, even before my parents met. When they tell me how he used to be I'm always torn between crying and laughing. I want to cry because this person doesn't seem to be around anymore, and I want to laugh because... well seemed to have been a very kind person.

So since I was about ten years old I know where my father stores old letters. It was a surprise to me though how many there are actually. I know now why I'm almost religiously collecting postcards and letters, he does that too. Let's not argue if I did wrong to my dad by reading through his belongings, I just wanted to know more about who he used to be.

I won't tell you too many details, as they it's still his private stuff, but some things just made me very emotional. The first things to make me laugh were two birthday cards my father received from the man that still is pastor at my church to this day. It's lovely to see how much my father was engaged in working for what he believed in. I also found some wedding invitations from people I know, as they are still around at my church. My father used to be a real part of it.

Huge parts of the box were of course the letters. I read about two girlfriends over the years, both seemingly nice women. I think had already heard of one, who left my father, but what happened to the other one I can't remember. It was at least nice to read how they liked my father.

Cheerio.