How to become a fighter

I've been away for the last ten days and spend an amazing time with great people. I wanted this post to be about my experiences on that trip but instead I've decided to postpone that one for next week. I'll still be touching something that happened while I wasn't at home.

I guess I've mentioned it quite often that I'm not a very dedicated person. I try, and if I don't succeed I just do what I can and then might as well give up. Usually I don't do my very best but just the amount that is necessary to still pass whatever task I'm doing. School is a good example there. When you write your finals you should probably study a lot and set your goals the highest you can. Instead of doing that I wanted to achieve an average level and other than working for school I watched series. My grades in the end were ok, you know, but it could've been better if I just worked harder.

 The thing is, as soon you’re out of it school gets unimportant. Not a lot of people care about the grades you had when you apply to a job, at least not around here. I struggled finding a job so much, not because my grades weren't that good but because I wasn't dedicated enough. I just wrote application after application, but what I should’ve done was phoning companies or apply directly by going there and presenting myself. You have to be though around this world nowadays, open and ambitious. That's exactly my problem.

That's why I'm so proud of this blog. My posts may not be the best ones, but I work rather hard for them, do a lot of thinking before writing and I update it on a regular basis. I could be better, but I know that I still have quite the distance to travel until I reach what I want with this site and with my writing in general so it’s a good field to practise in. 

Obviously I was still not happy with the rest of my situation, so what changed my point of view? Why did I suddenly decide that what I've been doing so far was not good enough? Well first of all I have goals that I want to achieve and all of them are things that are not the easiest for me. I always knew that I would get there eventually, but did not care that much how or more important when. 

The thing is I don't have time anymore to linger around. I see people achieving their goals at a young age and within me there is the urge to get there too. People plan big things and i feel like I do nothing at all which is not very satisfactory. Plus I don't have the energy left to be tossed around by life like a leave in a stormy river. 

My parents have already separated and that one was hard. After a year I felt quite ok with the whole situation, knowing my father wanted to keep the flat so I'd still have a home here in this town. While I was away my mum went to a lawyer because there where financial problems between my parents not yet resolved. They are now getting divorced and my father probably sells our flat. That combined with the fact that the whole Uni thing scares me so much deep down made it obvious that I needed to get stronger.

While I was away I learned a lot about myself and where my life is heading. I know more of what I want with all of my heart. I'll make sure to tell you more about that, but all you need to know for now is that one day I felt all my fears built up into this massive wall. That had already happened before, but this time I was fed up. Not for the first but hopefully for the last time I've decided that it was enough, that the little girl who is afraid of everything needs to grow up. 

Life is not fair. Not to me, not to anyone else. We have to seize the good moments and get through the bad ones. I've decided, and declare it in front of the internet, that from now on I want to be a fighter. If there is a wall ahead of me, I'll just run past it, head first. Anyone trying to stop me from achieving my goals shall be kicked in the butt. I'm putting on my armour, ready to fight. Trust me, I have a whole army behind me, of that I'm sure. 

That is not me resigning from ever moaning again. I'll still be hurt sometimes, still be complaining from time to time. I just refuse to let that stop me from becoming who I want to be. I prefer dying in a battle instead of hiding under my blankets for the rest of my life. I don't want to survive life, I want to live it. You might not see any difference, but I hope I'll feel one deep inside. Let's conquer the world with kind hearts.

Cheerio.