Today during lunchtime I had a discussion with my brother. Don't ask me how we started, but at some point I tried to explain to him that I am proud to be a student, proud to have graduated High School as the first person in our family, proud of all the things I achieved since then. I also tried to explain how hard it felt to me to be proud on those things, without feeling like diminishing what he does, as he is the older one, he is said to have the higher IQ, but he dropped out of High School and is now doing an apprenticeship. I struggled with being happy about my achievements cause it felt like I was pushing his down, which I do not feel comfortable in doing.
I do that a lot. I hate competitions. Whenever someone else and I are in comparison, part of me wants to give up for various reasons, to just not participate in whatever contest it could be. First one being that I do not want to take away something from somebody else. Second is that I am afraid of failing so I might just throw in the towel, just so I do not feel like I was not good enough. Both are really bad ways of living a life to be honest. In always comparing myself with others, I take up responsibility not only for my actions, but for the actions of everyone around me. In addition, I do not do that solely for real things, but also for possibilities. I don't do a thing cause someone else seems more suited in my opinion, even though I do not even know if that person even wants that. That is crap. And in not trying I deprive myself of the challenge, of what could be a brilliant thing if I just really tried.
On a Sunday during a sermon a pastor said, that it can be hurtful and frustrating when someone steals something away from you. One example for that was, that someone could steal your dreamguy. I turned at my friend, complaining, that that was not possible, simply cause a person can hardly be stolen. There is always a choice. So if said dreamguy didn't want to be with me, or even wanted to be with someone else, then he was not mine to claim in the first place. I should adapt that thinking in more places. When someone offers me a thing, why not accept it and trust the person that they knew what they were doing when they offered? Why not assume that maybe it was for me to get anyway?
But what if I start to change the perspective completely. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so why not believe that there is a reason I get possibilities? I get dizzy just thinking of the things I could have, could achieve, could get, if I just stopped trying to protect everyone. Sometimes I hold back telling things, trying things, out of fear of being obnoxious and annoying. What if I decided the people around me were old enough to protect themselves if I went on their nerves? If I started trusting that they'd tell me?
It comes down to accepting who I am, figuring out what I want and then give my best shot. So I am good at knowing who I am, but I should stop holding that back for no reason other than being scared to be judged or that people might get annoyed, especially with friends. Then, when I have also figured out what I want. I should start trying to get it, my way. If my way does not work, then maybe it was not for me anyway, but if it was then even better. If that all fails, then I can go back to everything happens for a reason and be content in knowing I tried, for real this time and finally stop wonder what I could done differently.
Will I be able to do that? I don't know man, but I may aswell try, right?
Cheerio.
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